If Freddie Mercury were a house-cleaner…

So you think you know the 80’s… What do you think of when you hear the name Freddie Mercury? If you know who I’m talking about, dull and ordinary he was not. Don’t know him? Try your friend Google. He was charaismatic, flambouant, outrageous, vaudvilian, talented, and toothy all rolled up into one entertainer. But did  the description of House-cleaner miss you?

Yes Queen’s front man rock0god has a history with “House Cleaning.” Check out the video “I Want to Break Free.”  (Youtube it and it will burn an image in your brain that will never go away.)

So it got me thinking… How might our world of song be if Freddie Mercury and other popular singers had done a little professional cleaning before they sang their way to success? Would there be press photos of Bruno Mars scrubbing a shower or Timberlake doin’ some baseboards?  Perhaps that cleaning influence may have altered a few titles to some of the songs you know best.

In the spirit of a lark and a song…  I present to you, the world’s first Greatest Collection of Songs about Cleaning, written and performed by the original artists: (Pardon me for showing my age)

Up first, REO Speedwagon gets us through the bathroom with, “I Can’t Fight This Cleanin” Anymore.” Stay with me, it get’s better.

Follow that with “Scrub Me Two Times,” By the Doors, and “Soap on the Water,” by you guessed it, Deep Purple. You don’t know who Deep Purple is? Ask you Father. Every 70’s teenager pounded out the intro on the piano at least once.

Next, for a little alternative punch, David Byrne and the Talking Heads perform “Cleaning Up The House.” Da da da da da do do do do, followed by two number one hits from Michael Jackson “Just Clean it, Clean it Clean it…”and “…this bathroom’s Bad, it’s Bad, you know, you know because it’s Bad, it’s Bad… “ Ohh there’s more…

This big Zeplin tune almost changed an entire generation single handedly with, “And She’s Wiping Down the Stairway to Heaven…” Admit it, you are actually still reading and even singing in your head…

Who can forget the megahit from Queen? “Another One Fights the Dust.” And some other dust gone, and some other dust gone, Another one fights the dust…” don’t tell me that video didn’t go straight to your head?

We haven’t forgotten you country/western fans, sing it with Waylon and Willie… “Mommas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be House-maids…”  OK this is a stretch, but I don’t actually know many country songs.

We aren’t done yet… Ringo and The Beatles bring us home with, “Yes, I get by with a little help from my maids…” and for those places where little boys miss, “All you Need is Gloves, rumpa dumpa dum…”

And on the extended play soundtrack we’ve included the holiday hit, by Mr. Bing Crosby himself, “I’m Dreaming of a White Baseboard, just like the ones I used to know…” You’ll never hear that song without looking at your baseboards ever again.